Rule-Following Guest Ends Up Feeling Rude
DEAR MISS MANNERS: After asking my dinner guests not to bring any dishes, some still do. My question is what do do when Person A shows up with a dish, and Person B -- lovely, lovely Person B, who was polite and kind enough to take me at my word -- sees the exchange.
Person B invariably gets embarrassed and asks if they should have brought something. I usually say, ÒOh, no! This is not a potluck. Person A just had a dish she really wanted to share.Ó
But inside, I am screaming, ÒNo, Person B, you have manners -- unlike this completely overbearing person!Ó
The problem is that B is never comfortable with my answer, even if I talk to them later and explain what happened. It's a very awkward situation.
IÕm not worried about getting through to Person A; theyÕre a lost cause. But how do I make things right for B, who is absolutely a dream dinner guest?
GENTLE READER: Short of dropping Person AÕs dish on Person AÕs foot, the way to demonstrate to Person B that they were correct to take you at your word is to go about your evening.
When you speak to Person B alone, add that you are most grateful for the courtesy of being listened to. Miss Manners is sure that that, coupled with your evident passion on the subject, will leave Person B in no doubt as to how you truly feel.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were informed of a friendÕs daughterÕs wedding plans recently, and were surprised when the formal invitation stated Òblack tie optional.Ó
The black tie notation was a double whammy for us, as we are a gay male couple. We have no intention of purchasing or renting tuxedos for this event, so the issue is whether to attend it at all.
My partner says that he would be comfortable wearing a black suit, and that the hosts and the bridal couple would also be fine with that, as black tie is merely optional. He also notes that what passes for "black tie" these days looks very much like an ordinary black suit with a few shiny bits and a black necktie, so we wouldnÕt stand out much.
I maintain that ÒoptionalÓ means Òrequested,Ó and that the real instruction is, "Black tie is expected so that you can contribute to the atmosphere we are attempting to create. If you attend less formally attired, we will be disappointed and perhaps miffed, but you wonÕt be barred at the door.Ó
I am inclined to decline the invitation for fear of irking the hosts, who tend to be rather formal anyway, and so as not to disrespect the bridal couple, who clearly want the guests to help them create an effect on their special day.
Am I interpreting things correctly, or should I accept ÒoptionalÓ at face value?
GENTLE READER: Your partner is right about what passes for black tie these days. And while you each perfectly define a competing meaning of Òblack tie optionalÓ in current use, Miss Manners does not know the happy couple, and therefore cannot say which applies.
She would take ÒoptionalÓ seriously.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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