ArcaMax

Generation Z should consider buying a fixer upper.

Houses are expensive these days and mortgage rates are high. It’s no wonder that only 27% of Zoomers, 28 or younger, own homes, whereas nearly 45% of baby boomers did at the same age.

Zoomers should consider following my path.

Thirty years ago, when I quit corporate America to become a freelance writer, money was tight — so I bought a fixer upper cheap.

It took three days for my father and I to tear off the old bathroom tile, replaster the walls and put up a vinyl tub surround.

We thought we were home free — until we got to the toilet.

You see, the bolts that secure the toilet to the floor had both broken. I raced to the hardware store to buy a new bolt kit.

We spent 90 minutes getting the new bolts in place — only to discover they were too short.

“Son of a !!” said my father.

“The idiots gave us the wrong bolts!” I said.

I raced to the hardware store for longer bolts. It took two hours to remove the bolts we’d just installed, then attach the longer ones.

Finally, we secured the toilet — but the wax goop, which seals the toilet to the sewage pipe, wasn’t thick enough, causing water to leak all over the recently laid tiles.

“Son of a !!” said my father.

“The idiots gave us the wrong goop!” I said, then I raced back to the hardware store.

Our third attempt to secure the toilet succeeded — until we attempted to reattach the water fittings.

To reattach the water fittings, you must wedge your body between the tub and the toilet. Then you must screw the water-line bolt, made of metal, into a pipe coming from the toilet that is made of plastic. But they won't screw together.

So you keep trying to screw them together until you bang your head on the toilet, which makes you angry, so you attempt to stand quickly, which kicks the soaking wet floor tile out of place, then you bang your shin on the toilet, which causes you to throw the plumber’s wrench you are holding through the bathroom window.

Eventually, we got the metal water-line bolt to screw into the plastic pipe, but we stripped the threads. When we turned the water back on, a leak sprouted that made Niagara Falls look like a lap pool.

"Son of a !!" shouted my father.

"The idiots!" I said.

I raced back to the hardware store and bought every plumbing fitting, glue and sealant ever designed by man. The hardware-store manager smirked at me.

“You forgot the bathroom window,” she said.

Though the project took several more days than we’d planned, we finally completed it — and the experience is one I wish for all Zoomers to have.

Once Zoomers own fixer uppers, they, too, will achieve a hard-earned pride — and become better voters.

They’ll elect common-sense people who root out government waste and lower taxes. They’ll demand that local, county and state government officials improve their schools and fix their potholes, while keeping property taxes low.

They’ll become as miserable as every other homeowner and, in the process, make America a better place.

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Copyright 2026 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

See Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos featuring his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at Tom@TomPurcell.com.

Copyright 2026 Tom Purcell, All Rights Reserved. Credit: Cagle.com