Is your fire extinguisher ready for action?
Tyrades! by Danny Tyree
In the coming months, millions of Americans will be firing up their heaters (electric, gas, wood, wishful thinking, etc.), so I thought it would be an appropriate time to remind y’all of fire safety.
(It’s also an appropriate time to remind you about identity theft safety. That frantic voice pleading, “Grandma, I’m in Italy and my passport caught on fire and I need you to Venmo me the money to buy a fire engine” is probably not your grandson.)
I feel qualified to perform this valuable public service because (a) fire extinguisher inspection is one of my responsibilities at my day job and (b) I was quite the firebug as a high-spirited youth. (Let’s face it: amateurs put baseball cards in bicycle spokes. Napalm all the way, baby!)
For starters, never cut corners where the safety of your family, pets and priceless keepsakes is concerned. It pays to invest in a reputable brand of fire extinguisher. The very name “First Alert” instills a great amount of confidence, although some cheapskates are willing to settle for the knockoff Last Rites.
(“If you liked our fire extinguisher made with slave labor, you’ll love our caskets made with slave labor.”)
I’ll bet a high percentage of you have already memorized the acronym PASS (Pull, Aim, Squeeze, Sweep) for using a portable fire extinguisher. Alas, the remainder think that PASS stands for Panic, Agonize, Scream, Scapegoat. (As Smokey Bear famously advises, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires – but we’ll throw Grandpa under the bus about the chicken-and-dumplings left boiling on the stovetop. That bird will NOT be rising like a phoenix from the ashes!”)
Here’s some flame-control trivia: the typical portable fire extinguisher can discharge its entire contents in eight seconds. This is one of many reasons that older men spend an inordinate number of their waking hours being envious of fire extinguishers. Just imagine a fire extinguisher with a prostate gland. (“Hang on, Mr. Grease Fire. I’ll be back in two hours…and then two hours after that…and…”)
Smoke detectors are another way to keep your family secure. Of course, you need to remember to keep the batteries updated. Some people do this by instituting a routine of replacing them on a certain date, such as New Year’s Eve. (“Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind…Dad got tipsy, fell off the ladder, that’s how he busted his behind.”)
Me? I’m a little fuzzy about the last time I replaced the batteries. I know I was distracted by Mrs. O’Leary’s cow mooing, but beyond that…
Autumn is the perfect time for replacing all your extension cords that have gotten frayed. Bonus feature: you can use the decommissioned cords to choke the neighbor who keeps using his leaf blower during “Wheel of Fortune.”
A wise homeowner knows to keep flammable objects (clothing, newspapers, restraining orders from Leaf Blower Guy who can’t take a joke) away from the heaters, formulate an escape plan and keep exits clear of obstructions. Admittedly, this is not easy when your domicile could serve as the filming site for “The Junk Drawer That Conquered the Rear Hallway.”
I hope my (embarrassingly unsolicited) advice helps you stay both snug and safe this fall and winter.
In closing, I am in …uh, Portugal…and my brain is fried and I need you to Venmo me the money to buy a closing joke…
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Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.
Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”
Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, All Rights Reserved. Credit: Cagle.com
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