ArcaMax

The latest generational culture war has members of Gen Z calling millennials cringe for adding "lol" to the end of sentences. Do I personally do this? Every single day, lol.

We needn't probe the myriad existential reasons for these perennial debates. Those of us in our 30s and 40s are well aware that people in their 20s think we're crusty and dusty, that we don't know how to choose pants or purses, communicate in slang, pose for a photo or film a vertical video without pausing for seven seconds at the start. On the other hand, older generations think millennials are children, mere blobs of protoplasm ignorant to the world, goo-goo-ga-ga babies waiting for a hero to change our saggy nappies while we suckle $12 iced matchas instead of investing in real estate.

So it is, so it always will be, lol. The great privilege of aging is not caring so much anymore what other generations think. Fine, sure, we make our hand-hearts wrong, whatever, get a prefrontal cortex already, so forth.

However, targeting lol in this political environment is tantamount to violence.

Lol is a workhorse, a neutralizer for the most horrific scenarios. While it once functioned as a simple acronym for "laughing out loud," it has transmogrified into a different beleaguered beast. Lol means, "Can you believe this &$^%%*$ *^&%?" It means, "I am so tired I can't even form mouth shapes." It means, "My house is on fire and there's gas flowing into the street, but what can I do about it? Lol."

Look around. We need the lol, babes. We need it to soften the daily tongues of fear and discord gnashing from our global Sarlacc Pit. Lol is a CBD gummy at the end of a 15-hour day. Lol is a lollipop from the doctor after six vaccines in the butt. Lol is a safe space, a best friend, a tattered blankie.

Let's review some hypothetical deployments:

President Donald Trump said that Iran could take out Los Angeles and San Diego, and next he's looking into letting our international adversaries eradicate Portland, Seattle, a blue dot in North Carolina with a lettuce co-op and the gay parts of St. Petersburg, Florida, lol.

The latest plastic surgery craze encourages women to peel the faces off dead baby marmosets and wear them as masks, thereby turning back the clock and turning up the sex appeal. Baby Marmoset Face is the hottest cosmetic procedure for fall, lol.

The rapists wrote essays, lol.

AI experts say the latest technology can project a holographic brain worm through human noses, an organism that will slowly feast on cortical folds until there are no longer enough deep ridges present to encourage critical thinking and dissent, lol.

There are new recalls on meat, salads, eggs, soup, potato chips, jalapenos, frozen berries, ice cream, popsicles, bread, Gatorade, shellfish, cottage cheese, croutons, ranch seasoning, hot cocoa mix, pistachios, peanut butter and anything in the grocery store labeled "food safe" or "edible." The U.S. government formally recommends people stick to a diet of the carbon dioxide that comes out of your lungs when you bury your face in a pillow. Please know due to inflation tied to the unpreventable eradication of Los Angeles, human waste gas imports will be tariffed at a rate of 15% or higher to ensure carbon dioxide production stays in the United States. Don't worry, though, because by not eating, you will avoid the high costs of GLP-1 drugs not covered by insurance and finally get into those jeans from your 20s when you were less tragic, so it's a win-win. Lol.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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